I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives; including our careers, our education, our parenting, even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, certainly an enormously important aspect of our existence, we sort of get carried along randomly with the current of the ocean, with no plan at all. We get pushed toward physical attraction, pushed toward availability, pushed toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pushed toward any number of other potential loves that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this bad relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…

For the New Year, construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.

Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.

For the sake of a simple and concrete example, if it happens to be really important to you that your potential partner be a family minded person, ask what he/she did last weekend or on his last vacation. Listen for who he/she was with. Was it a family member? Ask a few more similar questions and see if there’s a pattern of plans with close relatives or on the other hand, if a brother, sister, parent, son, daughter, or cousin is never mentioned. You will ascertain fairly quickly, if this individual potentially possesses your “must have” trait of family mindedness. This method will probably be more effective then asking outright, “are you family minded?” Often the response to that type of question will be a guess of what he/she thinks you would like to hear.

Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.

Now embrace the New Year, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in a bad relationship, you will hopefully know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.

DATING AND THE WIZARD OF OZ

Everything I ever wanted to know about life I could have learned from,“The Wizard of Oz.”

Deep, core values regarding what really matters in this world were illustrated perfectly by the loving and supportive bond between Dorothy and her three loyal companions as well as by the message, “There’s no place like home.” 

All the strength and wisdom that we require is right there inside of us, often camouflaged by self- doubt as illustrated by the brilliant scarecrow in search of a brain, the exceptionally empathetic tin man lamenting for a heart, and the incredibly brave lion wishing for courage. The diplomas and medals they received at the end were really what we all yearn for; recognition and validation for who we truly are.

But what about the little man behind the curtain masquerading as “The great and powerful Wizard of Oz”? Therein lies the valuable dating lesson of today. When we linger on instant message and email communication for too long a period of time during internet dating, we are at risk for believing that our potential partner is a much greater and more impressive person than who he/she actually is. The screen between us functions as his/her curtain; behind it, Mr. or Ms. Potential can pull all the levers they like, undetected by us. Just as the little man created fire, smoke, a booming voice, and an intimidating appearance, our potential partner may be creating a sense of humor, confidence, and a personality that doesn’t really exist when we get to know each other in person. That is, IF we get to know each other in person. More likely, the man/woman behind the curtain/computer screen will keep sending us around for impossible tasks such as bringing back the witch’s broom stick or finding the perfect time, date, and place to get together. All the while the little man/woman is safe behind the curtain, knowing that he/she is asking the impossible and it is highly unlikely that even one date will occur. If you do manage to jumpstart some initial in person relationship, it is probable that you will need to continue chasing your tail, filling impossible requests, only to find that things will fizzle despite your most valiant attempts to please. 

So, take a lesson from Toto. Pull the curtain aside, even if you have to use your teeth. Move rapidly onto the phone and then onto the date in order to figure out if you are a match. If the little man/woman can’t do that, stop believing in the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz and move onto someone real, complete with flaws and strengths to potentially share your life with. 

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EMPOWERING REFLECTIONS DURING DIVORCE

Now that the two of you have split, parts of you are probably feeling frightened and therefore clinging to familiarity. Although you may not be inclined to do so, consider loosening your grip on the past and beginning to experience the profound benefits of broadening out of your comfort zone. You can initiate achievable steps in that direction right now. Extricate yourself from “your side of the bed,” and venture into taboo territory. Roll over to the center, stretch out, hog all the covers, and make as much noise as you like. Now prop yourself up on all of the pillows and read on.

The following is an easy to navigate list to gently guide you out of your comfort zone and into the world of new possibilities. Approach the list at your own pace, perhaps one reflection per day, or one per week. Allow yourself the quiet and privacy that you deserve while you reflect upon what each step means specifically for you.

1. Although it may not be easy to envision, the challenge of divorce can be accompanied by significant opportunity that would not have otherwise presented itself. Identify one goal that you can accomplish now, that you could not have achieved during your marriage. For example, you might go back to school, take up yoga, lose weight, or start your own business.

2. Divorce can often cause our confidence and self-esteem to waver. Recognizing your positive traits is essential at this time. Identify one of these special personality or character traits that can show itself more clearly now than previously. Is it your resilience that is revealing itself, or perhaps your independence?

3. When we are involved in a difficult life transition, we tend to focus inward. Going beyond ourselves is an
effective way to find meaning and put our issues into perspective. Identify one new strategy to contribute in some small way towards helping others or impacting the world. For you, maybe it’s volunteering in a literacy program, joining a political club, or “Walking for the Cure.”

4. When you want to see changes in your life, reaching out for support is an important part of the process. Identify three professionals, friends, or family members who can fill this role.

5. Developing a positive vision for yourself can be enormously empowering and can help you stay focused and goal oriented. Create this future image. How do you want to see yourself in five years? Let this vision guide you.

I’d love to hear what happens when you begin to integrate these five reflections into your life, so please contact
me and share. For me, it has been transformative and that’s exactly what can happen for you, when you create the life for yourself that you choose.

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